Burden

We all need something to hold onto, to keep us grounded. So we know we're not insane. 

~ It's so crowded in here. ~

It's dark and cold and I'm drowning. 

I'm drowning in all of your sins. 

I take the burden so you don't suffer,

But just look at this pain I'm in.

Why would you let me live this way?

How could I have come to be?

Your demons think it's a game to play,

But it's no fun when you're not free.

My soul is just a slave to my body.

It's trapped in it like in a jail cell.

Only one way out. But is there really?

You're taking more pain for the sins I've felt.

There are two sides to the story,

But you never let them hear mine.

It's dangerous to show them the real us.

So, my side is always confined.

We know what it's like to be in here,

How one small task is hard to decide.

I try to push my way into your space,

But you control so much of our mind.

I think it's overcrowded in here now.

It's time for one of us to leave.

I try to stay strong, push you out,

But you always counteract the defeats.

My soul is a slave to your mind.

It's trapped without a hope to be free.

You've done so well stealing our life.

We're not sure which is really me.

It's dark and cold and we're drowning.

You're drowning in all of my sins.

We take the burden so I don't suffer,

But just look in this pain we're in.

Plant A Seed

Sometimes you just need to write a little darkly to ease your ailments. 

~ Wounds heal. ~

The cut was just beginning to mend,

But I liked to pick it open again.

I never let them heal too soon.

I've been opening up my wounds

Curious to see they it would bleed.

Then maybe my mind would be freed.

So much happening inside this mind.

Left alone to think in thoughts at night.

In my mind, plants a little seed.

It grows and grows to take over me.

It suffocates me taking all my air.

Wouldn't it be nice to live without a care? 

Am I damned to never be truly free?

Then why do I still bleed so easily?

And why do the seeds grow and grow,

Grabbing my soul with a firm hold?

I've been looking for a way out.

It all seems so helpless now.

They tell me there are easier days,

But I hold firm to my obsessive ways.

Just how long until I finally bleed out?

They don't hear my screams so loud.

It's so busy inside of here.

It's so busy inside of here.

I don't believe in easier days.

I'm prisoner to my obsessive ways.

Will I be free if I bleed out?

I'm picking this open now. 

It's just so busy inside of here.

It's just so busy inside of here

20 Below

I originally wrote this piece almost 4 years ago.  I had the idea how of a relationship can sometimes relate to cold and harsh winter weather.  There are ups and downs and periods of warmth and cold.  Nothing is perfect.

                     ~ Someone always gets left out in the cold.~

                           

I've been frost-bitten since you left.

Not a day that goes by I can't forget.

The snow keeps falling like nothing happened.

You blended right in with the ripping wind.

Now you're back with a bouquet of flowers.

They're only dying more by the hours.

I think through this blizzard you finally see -

Wait, the roses are for her, not me.

You never read the letters I wrote.

I needed warmth to hold.

I could only scream, "Don't go!"

I've been frozen in time at 20 below,

While you sat inside by a fire to watch the snow.

The nights are long, days are cold.

That's something I wouldn't expect you to know.

You've never been frozen in time at 20 below.

I became dependent on you,

As the clouds tainted the sky a dark hue.

You let the flakes rain down on me.

You're so cold, but I couldn't leave.

I believed everything you told.

I needed warmth to hold.

I could only scream, "Don't go!"

I've been frozen in time at 20 below,

While you sat inside by a fire to watch the snow.

The nights are long, days are cold,

That's something I wouldn't expect you to know.

You've never been frozen in time at 20 below.

Please don't leave me out in the cold.

The tears are frozen in my eyes.

I'm falling into a blanket of snow.

Color fades to black in this ice.

I fall down, just like a dying rose.

For so long I've screamed don't go,

But you had no problem leaving me in the cold.

I'll be frozen in time at 20 below,

While you sit inside by a fire to watch the snow.

The nights are long, days are cold,

That's something I wouldn't expect you to know.

You've never been frozen in time at 20 below.

Into black like a dying rose,

I will still be frozen in time at 20 below.

Save Me

Too many times, we wait for someone else to catch our falls.  Finally we learn to rely on ourselves.

~ Watch the rain drop down 

and cleanse the sins ~

I waited for the point I'd hit the ground,
But somehow I never felt it.
It took a lot for my strength to come around.
Then it did and I knew it was worth it.

I'm feeling like I'm floating,
Like all my sins are clean.
I wonder if you've noticed
Without you, all that I can be.

Take my burdens, wash my sins.
Hold my troubles, cleanse my skin.
Take my burdens, wash my sins.
Hold my troubles, cleanse my skin.

I waited for the point I couldn't take
To finally lay down all the weight
That I carried, beginning to break.
I've broken out of that state.

I'm feeling like I'm flying.
You can't hold me back.
It was all so trying.
I'm relieved it's in the past.

Take my burdens, wash my sins.
Hold my troubles, cleanse my skin.
Take my burdens, wash my sins.
Hold my troubles, cleanse my skin.

I waited so long in the dark for a savior.
No one came to take me to safety.
I'm the only one who can save me.

Take my burdens, wash my sins.
Hold my troubles, cleanse my skin.
Take my burdens, wash my sins.
Hold my troubles, cleanse my skin.

I'm the only one who can save me.
I'm the only one who can save me.
I'm the only one who can save me.

Memories in Scars

Letting go isn't always easy, but eventually fate has to take its course. 

~It's all meant to be~

We've been digging deeper in our wounds.

Making chaos easier to fall back into.

I want this to work but I know it can't.

I think we're holding on, becoming trapped

Because we think we're all we have.

I want this to work but I know it can't.

You say the decision is mine to make.

I've made up my mind till I see your face.

I want you to talk me out of what I'm thinking.

Every time I want to try it seems you don't care as much.

Then I'm reminded of you. Suddenly, it's enough. 

I want you to talk me out of what I'm thinking. 

Apart, it seems so tested and I become angry. 

I don't want to get hurt by you but this is hurting me. 

Talk to me if you really want me. Show me you really want me. 

You say you'll be better but it doesn't ever come. 

My wounds ache in the wait of your front. 

Talk to me if you really want me. Show me you really want me. 

I want to make it work but feels like you don't want me. 

You're out every night while I'm home, lonely. 

It's so irrelevant, it may as well be nonexistent.

Then you come back and I feel dependency. 

I don't care how much you say you want me. 

It's so irrelevant, it may as well be nonexistent.

For a bit I thought it was over, but then the scars bled again. 

Every time we patch them up I swear it is the end. 

There's nothing left for us but it's never over. 

I pray every day for some kind of change. 

For the last time, I'll grasp your hand and let go of the pain. 

There's nothing left for us but we know it's over. 

Why did we think we could get back into this?

Building our relations over boiling toxins. 

All we have is memories in scars. 

Why did we think this time would be easy?

The time wasted wasn't very pleasing. 

All we have is memories in scars. 

I'm slipping slowly away in the night. 

Your absence no longer needs a fight. 

I'm giving in and letting go. 

I think I'll remember these days one day, 

But for now it's better to rest the wounds at bay. 

I'm giving in and letting go. 

I just need to let it go. 

We just need to let it all be. 

Nothing's sure to know,

But we'll be better off, you'll see. 

Just promise you won't forget me. 

Mad Man Bad Man

~ Flash a fancy anything, but love cannot be bought ~ 

What's that? I see a little smile.
Wide-eyed, with such a pristine title.
But does that really entitle you 
To all that you do?

Flash your fancy papers at me.
So sure, you're the one I need
But what I really need is
My independence.

Pick me up in a pretty car,
Paying for dinner is such an art,
Buy me my hearts desire,
You'll get me hanging on a wire.

You think you're good, you think you're good for me,
But you don't know anything.
You underestimate everything I am,
But, baby, you can't buy hand.
Mad man bad man mad man bad man.
You're no good for me.

Diamonds in a box pale blue.
Think it'll score points for you.
I see what you're trying to do
But you're really not that cute.

Trophy wife is how you see me.
Though you have your night time sweetie.
Don't play with my jealousy 
I can be greedy.

Dinner at the club is a bore,
Having more makes you adored,
Mistake passion for fire,
You'll get me hanging off a wire.

You think you're good, you think you're good for me,
But you don't know anything.
You underestimate everything I am,
But, baby, you can't buy hand.
Mad man bad man mad man bad man.
You're no good for me.

Hypnotize me with a fancy car,
Paying for dinner is such an art,
Dinner at the club is a bore,
Having more makes you adored,
Buy me my heart's desire,
But you add gas to this fire.

You think you're good, you think you're good for me,
But you don't know anything.
You underestimate everything I am,
But, baby, you can't buy hand.
Mad man bad man mad man bad man.
You're no good for me.

You're not good for me.
Mad man bad man mad man bad man.
You're no good for me.

Sealed With A Kiss

There's only so much you can say to get your point across.

~ Read my lips. ~

I'm trying to find the right words to say to you.
Every time I try to say what's on my mind you distract me.
I get lost in everything I thought I hated about you.
You pull me in and disregard all that I'm asking.

If I could put it all in a couple words,
Maybe what I say would finally work.

It's not fair what you're doing.
It's not fair you ring me out.
I don't know what you're pursuing,
But I know I'm feeling such doubt .
Thanks for the fun times.
If I were ignorant, it'd be bliss.
In the end, I might be all right.
All I know is this note won't be sealed with a kiss.

I have it all straightened out, exactly what I'll say.
There's not stopping getting this point across this time.
But so easily I give in to your trickery ways.
There's no excuse, what you do really isn't fine.

If I could put it all in a couple words,
Maybe what I say would finally work.

It's not fair how you have me.
It's not fair how free you are.
I don't know what you do nightly,
But you know I trust so hard.
Thanks for those cool times.
If I were ignorant, it'd be bliss.
In the end, I might be all right.
All I know is this note won't be sealed with a kiss.

Maybe I'll use old fashioned calligraphy.
I'll create my own fancy wax seal.
You'll say you want to see me, baby.
Well, baby, you'll just have to deal.
Read the words that have been on the tip of my lips.
Don't read it sweetly, I won't seal it with a kiss.

It's not fair what you're doing.
It's not fair you ring me out.
I don't know what you're pursuing,
But I know I'm feeling such doubt.

It's not fair how you have me.
It's not fair how free you are.
I don't know what you do nightly,
But you know I trust so hard.
Thanks for those average times.
I'm not ignorant, so this isn't bliss.
In the end, I know I'll be all right.
For you, this note won't ever be sealed with a kiss.

Mad Hatter

I started writing this lyrical poem over 2 years ago with the idea of the Mad Hatter.  Alice in Wonderland is one of my favorite Disney movies. I had to use it as inspiration for at least one of my songs.

~ "WE'RE ALL MAD HERE." ~


I'm falling down this path again.
Hello, hello Wonderland.

He steps on shattered cups of tea, Mad Hatter.
He lives oh so dangerously, Mad Hatter.
I can see through his mismatched eyes.
I'm falling. He plays with my mind.

"Alice, Alice," I hear falling down the hole.
"Alice, Alice," his voice claims my soul.
Mad Hatter Mad Hatter Mad Hatter....

What are you sipping in your tea?
Little bottles scream "drink me!"
I've been offered lovely pastries.
I can feel the spell eat me.
Mad Hatter has all of me,
Never setting free.
Mad Hatter take all of me,
In Wonderland for eternity.

A cat tells me not to trust, Mad Hatter.
Think I've fallen in love, Mad Hatter.
There are rips in my dress from tea.
This pretend has become my reality.

"Alice, Alice," I hear falling down the hole.

"Alice, Alice," his voice claims my soul.

Mad Hatter Mad Hatter Mad Hatter....

What are you sipping in your tea?

Little bottles scream "drink me!"

I've been offered lovely pastries.

I can feel the spell eat me.

Mad Hatter has all of me,

Never setting free.

Mad Hatter take all of me,

In Wonderland for eternity.

When I fall down the rabbit's hole,

He said he'll never let me go.

He'll lead me through Wonderland.

He didn't want to hurt me.

So he pushed me out of Wonderland.

But there was something in that tea.

Wonderland is my reality.

Now I'm going mad. Mad. Mad...

What are you sipping in your tea?

Little bottles scream "drink me!"

I've been offered lovely pastries.

I can feel the spell eat me.

Mad Hatter has all of me,

Never setting free.

Mad Hatter take all of me,

In Wonderland for eternity.

His wicked smile steals my soul, Mad Hatter.

Taking back what he stole, Mad Hatter.

I'm falling down this path again.

Hello, hello to Wonderland.

Leaving

I think everyone feels overlooked at one point by someone they thought cared.  It's hard to hold on to something that it barely there.  You have to just learn how to let go.

~ don't take things for granted ~


Remember standing in the mirror staring back at me?
You're questioning how I am still here.
I placed limits that you exceed.
Somehow I am still standing here.

You're always rooting for a loosing team,
That's not much to be proud of baby.
I think you take for granted my leniency,
So I've been thinking bout walking lately.

All I've been hearing is silence, so I'm making my own noise.
I get impatient from silence, and I can be impulsive boy.

All you want is my mini skirt, skin-tight tee shirt
Walking around in your room.
But you never give back, when I need you most,
You really don't have a clue.

I'm done with the waiting.
Baby, I can be so impatient.
I'm grabbing my things and I,
Am leaving.
Leaving.
Leaving.

Leading me down a never ending road.
You're too busy to even pick up a phone.
I come back but only get more to decode.
I'm just chasing old ghosts.

I don't like this silence, so I'm making my own noise.
I get impatient from silence, and I will be impulsive boy.

All you want is my mini skirt, skin-tight tee shirt
Walking around in your room.
But you never give back, when I need you most,
You really don't have a clue.

I'm done with the waiting.
Baby, I can be so impatient.
I'm grabbing my things and I,
Am leaving.
Leaving.
Leaving.

Get on your knees,
Show me how much you want me.
You gotta plead,
Show me how much you want me.
Packing my things,
Show me how much you want me.
Don't make me wait,
Show me how much you want me.
I'm ready to leave.
I'm ready to leave.
How much do you want me?

All you want is my mini skirt, skin-tight tee shirt
Walking around in your room.
But you never give back, when I need you most,
You really don't have a clue.

I'm done with the waiting.
Baby, I can be so impatient.
I'm grabbing my things and I,

I'm done with the waiting.
Baby, I can be so impatient.
I'm grabbing my things and I,
Am leaving.
Leaving.
Leaving.

Magic

I wrote these lyrics almost 4 years ago.  I was inspired by a magical TV show that aired at the time.  I decided to post it today in honor of the holiday.   

Note: I am OBSESSED with the lines "Crystals hanging from the ceiling/This is magic that we're feeling." 

~ Happy Halloween ~

See the spark inside of you.
This is what fate led us to.
Old destiny feels so new.

You can read my mind.
Open up, this is what we'll find.
You are one of my kind.

Bring us together and we'll make magic.
All you have to do is put your hand in mine
And then we will fly.

Our hands together, feel the static.
Together as one, we make magic.
See the glitter float around,
Know each other's thoughts, don't make a sound.
So much can happen between the two of us.
This is more than just lust.
It will never end tragic.
This is more than love. 
This is magic.

Earth, wind, fire and air.
Now I know that you care.
Fate says you'll always be there.

Bound together before birth.
Finding what we are worth.
As one, we can break the curse.

Bring us together and we'll make magic.
All you have to do is put your hand in mine
And then we will fly.

Our hands together, feel the static.
Together as one, we make magic.
See the glitter float around,
Know each other's thoughts, don't make a sound.
So much can happen between the two of us.
This is more than just lust.
It will never end tragic.
This is more than love. 

This is magic.

Sparkles illuminated on the wall,
In so deep ready for the fall.
Crystals hanging from the ceiling,
This is magic we are feeling.
Charmed, we are to each other.
Know we can never be with another.

Crystals hanging from the ceiling,
This is magic we are feeling.
Crystals hanging from the ceiling,
This is magic we are feeling.
This is magic we are feeling.

Our hands together, feel the static.
Together as one, we make magic.
See the glitter float around,
Know each other's thoughts, don't make a sound.
So much can happen between the two of us.
This is more than just lust.
It will never end tragic.
This is more than love. 

This is magic.

Crystals hanging from the ceiling,
This is magic we are feeling,
This is magic.

Breath In

I'm holding on, but the thread starts to break. 
Your promises fill the emptiness. When
I think the silence is as much as I can take,
I see your face and take the pain again. 

Breath in and maybe it'll change. Then I feel again.
Roses grow when you're so good to me.
I turn my back and only weeds I see.
A deafening noise of nothing seeps in.
You come back and I fall in, again and again.
Breath in, I've been so numb.
Breath out, I feel again.

I keep losing my grip, hanging off the edge,
Until I feel a pull bringing me to surface.
You'd don't know the evil thoughts in my head.
Though I let you in, I'm afraid to trust.
Breath in and maybe it'll change. Then I feel again.
Roses grow when you're so good to me.
I turn my back and only weeds I see.
A deafening noise of nothing seeps in.
You come back and I fall in, again and again.
Breath in, I've been so numb.
Breath out, I feel again.

I tell myself never again, but why does my heart skip beats?
And why am I so willing to give all of me?
Breath in and maybe it'll change. Then I feel again.
Roses grow when you're so good to me.
I turn my back and only weeds I see.
A deafening noise of nothing seeps in.
You come back and I fall in, again and again.
Breath in, I've been so numb.
Breath out, I feel again.

I like you like the air inside my lungs.
Time passes and I'm getting strung.
I say I need to get out,
Then I breath in,
Then I breath in,
Then I breath in.
Then I feel again. 

Back to Innocence

Life doesn't live in the movies, they tell us all these lies.
I've learned to accept disappointments through silent cries.
Then you came into my life and sucked the poison out.
You reminded me of what can be and hope can be found.

Now I'm back to innocence.
I was holding on a thread.
But I'm back to innocence
With hopes for dreams instead.
I waited long and I fought hard,
And got scars on my heart.
With you, I'm back to the start.
I'm back to innocence.

I hopelessly lost hope in the evil game of love.
I took a step into the darkness, accepting what I'd become.
You pulled me into brighter nights and those glittering days.
A light at the end of the tunnel, though you couldn't stay.

Now I'm back to innocence.
I was holding on a thread.
But I'm back to innocence
With hopes for dreams instead.
I waited long and I fought hard,
And got scars on my heart.
With you, I'm back to the start.
I'm back to innocence.

I'm not used to what you threw before us.
I've been broken and abused, losing all trust.
One after another I expected they all want the same.
You were that one small change, bringing me back
To believe in innocence.

Now I'm back to innocence.
I was holding on a thread.
But I'm back to innocence
With hopes for dreams instead.
I waited long and I fought hard,
And got scars on my heart.
With you, I'm back to the start.
I'm back to innocence.

Now I know innocence.
I'm back to innocence.
Thank you for innocence.

Substance Abuse

I've been counting down the weeks till you come back,
Slipping into ways of my lethal past.
It's cyanide I'm sipping in my crystal glass,
Fumes for oxygen in my lungs till you come back.

Keep me warm, hold me tight,
Be the substance to get me through the night.
Be my sin, be my love,
All I need to fall asleep is for you as my drug.
Give me love, give me love
Be my drug, be my drug.

Time is ticking and I'm slipping farther into you,
Even though distance pains in truth.
It's Valium I'm mixing into liquid courage drinks.
Clouds for clear vision when I begin to think.

Keep me warm, hold me tight,
Be the substance to get me through the night.
Be my sin, be my love,
All I need to fall asleep is for you as my drug.
Give me love, give me love
Be my drug, be my drug.

You're so far away and he's so close,
You must understand it.
For now I just need him as a distraction,
You must understand it.
He's like the sugar,
When I'm addicted to something else .
He's my distraction,
When I'm addicted to you.

Keep me warm, hold me tight,
Be the substance to get me through the night.
Be my sin, be my love,
All I need to fall asleep is for you as my drug.
Give me love, give me love
Be my drug, be my drug,
Give me substance, be my substance.

Glimmered Memories

Watch a better quality version of the video on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqA3o9SPVqk&list=UU-FY-tyNWVRqYeUq7d-xJiw

Lyrics, editing, directing and voice over: Jen

Starring: Megan

Film clips shot by Rae and Jen

Gimmered Memories

We are all drenched in each other’s raindrops,

Sitting so high and mighty on top.

They have fallen with such a soft sound,

But we’re faded, pitiful and broken now.

Our tears will wash over the sands of the beach,

While we think of glimmered memories, so out of reach.

We are one.  Now aligned with the ash-gray sky,

Far away from the land and powered light

That would lead us back home to be angels.

Damned to serious ailments, it is our fate though.

We’ll dance alone, creating our own afflictions.

This clumsy life has become our addictions.

We’re all just charitable souls

Willing to give to the first case we know.

It would be nice if we had sterile hearts,

But we just have too many scars.

Our sores may sprout sunflowers one day.

And lunar dust will heal all our pain.

Who are we kidding? We will only collapse.

We will never have a natural life back.

It is just our supernatural virtue

Decided before birth.  No dignity to ensue.

Our hopes and dreams, merely iridescent silk,

Too rich and beautiful for us to get a taste of its milk

Because we eat temptation like a perfect pastry,

And we’re not tangible, only imaginary.

Manipulation

You're keeping it locked on your lips,

And you're thinking nobody knows it.

The only safety is distance,

So you're pushing them, pushing them.

They hang onto every word you say,

But there's not one truth you make.

You're the master of these games,

And you're playing them, playing them.

They don't know that you're hanging by a thread.

Treading the water, but drowning instead.

Secrets and lies waking up from your bed.

Now you're walking on airs without a care out in the public eye,

But you used and abused the ones who saved you, when the darkest hour was near behind .

With just a snap of your finger, your servants linger eager in manipulation,

But I'm learning how with what I know now not to give into your instigation.

You burned me and broke me before my eyes but I know now.

It's really not intelligent

How you're burning so many bridges.

A lover who merely quits

Is not for sale, not for sale.

I'm standing with a loaded hand,

And you just pulled the trigger.

You don't have long to stand

Cause you're gonna fall, gonna fall.

You  don't know that you're hanging by a thread.

Treading the water, but drowning instead.

Secrets and lies waking up from your bed.

Now you're walking on airs without a care out in the public eye,

But you used and abused the ones who saved you, when the darkest hour was near behind .

With just a snap of your finger, your servants linger eager in manipulation,

But I'm learning how with what I know now not to give into your instigation.

You burned me and broke me before my eyes but I know now.

I have a little secret:

I know, I know what you did.

I know, I know what you did.

You burned and broke me down,

But I stand stronger now.

Cause I know, I know what you did.

I know, I know what you did.

I know, I know what you did.

And I like the taste of revenge.

Now you're walking on airs without a care out in the public eye,

But you used and abused the ones who saved you, when the darkest hour was near behind .

With just a snap of your finger, your servants linger eager in manipulation,

But I'm learning how with what I know now not to give into your instigation.

You burned me and broke me before my eyes but

I like the taste of revenge